I’m not really sure how to feel in the situation that I’m in. There’s a part of me that feels like I’m not really doing what I want to do but at the same time I feel like if I finish and am able to get a teaching job then I’ll find myself in the place I want to be. Right now… not so much. I’m so fucking tired everyday and I still feel like I’m not doing enough. My room has been a fucking mess for the past few months. I should clean it. And worst of all I feel so fucking alone when I’m sitting down, doing nothing.
I really, really hope when it’s all said and done I find myself where I want to be in the next few years. As time moves on and I’m approaching 23 I still do not feel like an adult. When I’m at the high school I do not feel like an adult figure. I’m not sure what I should do to gain some confidence. I think I need to work out more. I didn’t work out for a while a week ago and I felt like I was going to go insane. I went three times the past week and I think it’s helped me a little even though I don’t stay for very long. I also have been eating the worst food imaginable. I ate left over chinese food for the last three days.
Last week I was seriously considering quitting it all but I don’t want to do that. I hate not finishing something, and I think under different circumstances I wouldn’t feel so confined.
Sometimes when I see or am around other couples I feel a little tingly sensation in my stomach. Whether it’s “cute” exchanges between each other, or just straight up cruelty, it reminds me how agonizing and wonderful it can be. I want to feel that high. It’d be nice if I could be complacent with myself but I’m just not. I don’t know where I’m going, I guess it’s all just hazy. It’s been so long since I’ve just talked to someone. I haven’t really made any connections in the credential program, just like in college. And it scares me that it feels like I have a fuck off face or something. I don’t want that. I wish I could make people happy.
… okay, yeah. So to cap this off I hope things look up.